Fighting the Feeling
by gelfling
Summary: Goku's POV while fighting Vegeta in the desert with character analysis and Saiyan competition abound. Yaoi


ADD SSJ STAGE CHANGES

Hmmm.  Jim!  What happened here?  Hmmm.  Really?  Welll...Yes.  Um, I actually wrote violence.  Gosh.  AND a lemon.  My Gosh.  My muse, Jim, and I, both offer our mutual confusion and perplexity regarding the following ficcy.  Jim really did do a rather exceptional job, I think.  I really am rather proud of him.

General Disclaimer and Warnings apply.  Yaoi.  Jim says hello.

You threatened everything I cared about.  You threatened my strength.  My title.  World's Strongest.  My family, my home…pretty basic stuff, but they're what really matters to me more than anything else.  Even more than your pride.

You threatened it all, and more.

And you did it with a smirk.

Not even a smile, not even a grin, a smirk, that stupid self-centered self-satisfied smirk that's become your trademark just like the goofy grin became mine.

I swear, ask any of the people who had the bad luck to meet you, even once, even for a little while, say the word 'smirk' and I swear they'll say your name.  Or just describe the short asshole with spiky gang hair that came in here the other day.

Or a scowl.  You do that a lot too.

Either you're laughing your ass off at someone's pain or struggle or your pissed because things didn't turn out the way the spoiled brat prince wanted them to.

You never did stop challenging me.  Not after Freeza, not after Cell.  Not even after Fusion, when we shared the same space, the same body.  Even when Buu proved that there were some things I couldn't do on my home.  I needed our help.  But that still wasn't enough.  You would never stop challenging me.  You never stopped threatening.  You never stopped smirking.

So I finally got mad.

So I finally fell. 

And, it's only now, thinking, that I realize how hard I've fallen.

When I say I got mad, I mean I beat you to a bloody pulp.  Or tried to.  Mostly succeeded.  

I did feel bad later.

But not much.

I really shouldn't have though.  The spar/violence thingy was over; we were both down, off-guard, mutual if grudging understanding given.  A truce you hated and had me worried.

I wasn't planning to exactly.  It was just the way you looked at me.  What you said.  The tone in your eye, the angle of your mouth.  I just stared.

It pushed me off the edge.

You really held your own well against SSJ3.  Most other fighters wouldn't have even tried.  You really did well, my jaw still aches, and I think it will for a while.  I but I still won.

"I've _proven_ I'm stronger than you Vegeta, so you can just cut the act already.  I'm tired all right?"

Not exactly terrifying words, but since I had your arms half way out your sockets I didn't think it had to be.

"Screw with me again and I'll knot your arms behind your head and break your legs and you can shove your arrogance up your _ass_, you hear me?"

I bent your arms a little for emphasis.  You flinched a bit.

You were surprised to hear me swear.  

You were even more surprised to see me aggressive.  I _beat _all the people you couldn't, Vegeta.  I didn't do it with words.  I didn't do it with justice.

You were pleased.  You won't admit to it, and I don't understand it, but I could tell.  You were pleased.

It was a while before you reacted, studying me, my eyes, my ki, trying to figure me out.

"So."  You smirked plainly, painfully, twisting the dagger in my gut, watching my eyes flame.  Waiting for me to break first.  You must really hate me, Vegeta.  You smirked, then spit blood and saliva in my face.

"Looks like the mighty Kakkarott has a soft spot after all."

1 

It stung my eyes.  My hands clenched.  I felt the flesh yield.

2 

Your breathing twitched unnoticeably, but I noticed.

3

4

You didn't even _care_.  

5

6

I want to kill.  Rip your head off right here and now, burst your ribcage open and feel the bones scrape my hands.

7

You were taunting me.  You didn't care.

8

You wanted to be hurt.  You still wanted to fight.  But we both knew you had already lost.

9

You wanted a reaction.  I wasn't going to give it to you.

10

I wasn't going to make you happy.

You were expecting pain.  Hell, you were hoping for it.  You got mad when I just looked at you, waited for you to react first.  Patience was never something you liked.

I wanted to hurt you.  You wanted to be hurt.  I was ticking both of us off, but as long as you got mad, it made it all worth it.

And this is where it gets weird.

You wanted physical pain.  So did I.

But I didn't want to make you happy.  So I did the best attack I could think of.  It still sounds strange.

I kissed you.

Not really a kissy-kiss, not hard, just gentle.  And slow.  _Really_ slow.  So you would have plenty of time to think.  And brood.  Because I could laugh anything off and scratch my head and nobody will take me seriously.  _You_ can't.  You'll have to carry it.  _I_ won't.

I let my eyes slide open, my lips still pressed and gently undulating against yours, savoring the shock and humiliation and anger that broiled and writhed in your eyes.  Subconsciously, since your mind was in shambles, you body leaned away from me.  I'm really surprised you didn't kick me.  The time and opportunity were there, and with your mind I figured you would.

A mental click, and your muscles tightened, your ki went up, and you pulled away from my lips only to double around my fist lodged so deep in your stomach I think I punctured something.  Definitely bruised though.

The second time my lips touched yours, I jammed my tongue in your mouth, barely escaping after you bit down and scraped skin off the tip.

I slapped you hard, once, twice, until your head snapped to the side and you coughed up some blood.  Not a lot.  Not as much as you could have.  Not as much as I wanted you to.  But it was some.

I grabbed your hair until you faced me, swooped my head down to capture your lips, but stopped short, content with the look in your eyes and my breath against you.

You weren't afraid of me.  You weren't even nervous.  You were just watching, to see what I would do.  And…upset, I thought.

I drew back, and carefully, grinned.  It isn't easy, in SSJ3, not to smirk.  But I grinned.  That was me.

Your eyes and ki didn't change.  But you were mad.  You _had_ to be mad.

"I'll bet," I said slowly, "I know what _your_ soft spot is,"  I grinned wider, the classic Son grin that _I_ created, "My lord, my ouji."  And I was kissing you again, gripping your hair so you couldn't bite me, hard as you tried, swallowing the scream of rage that tore up your throat and down mine.

And as much as I liked it when you struggled, it still made me angry.  I'm not sure why.

I broke away, banged your head against the rock and screamed, "Stop it!" and had my lips on you again, daring to drag your body closer to mine.  Which was stupid.

Hmm.

You kicked me in the groin, Vegeta.  That isn't even legal in most tournaments.  And it really hurt.

Then it felt like my chest was on fire, head struck on both temples simultaneously and being kicked to the ground while you crushed my stomach with your boot and ki.  

I really thought you were going to kill me.

I didn't think you were going to kick me in the balls again and scream at me to drop out of SSJ or I'd die.  I thought you were going to kill me anyway.  But you didn't say you'd kill me.  You did say you'd kick me in the balls until I couldn't spawn anymore bastards.  I tried to look at you, maybe piss you off again.  You're forming a ki ball though.

So I dropped out.

And then you kissed me.  Hard.  But very serious.  And very continuous.

Well.

You growled in your throat, still in SSJ2, pulled back to slap me, and kissed me again before licking the blood off my throat, squeezing my wrists until the circulation was out, your knees and weight digging into my stomach.

Well.  Yes.

Your tongue is really rough.  Sand papery.  Like a cat's.  Not like a human's.

O-K

You're sucking on my throat now.  It…doesn't feel so bad.  Not really good.  But it was..Ok.  Nice.  Not like leaning hard on my shoulders, which hurt.  I don't think you knew.

I groaned.  I couldn't help it.  I didn't want to, or even knew I was going to.  But I did, and I could _feel_ that damn smirk of yours while you growled in response.  You ran your hands up and down my sides, eliciting a small whimper-I NEVER whimper- and a shudder.

I didn't like what you were doing, Vegeta.  My body had been tenderized by your fists and feet and knees and elbows, and every time you brushed against some small part of my skin it hurt.  The pain flared and throbbed with the slightest caress of your finger pads while you brushed(SYN) the bruises and open cuts, your salt and sweat coming in contact with my blood.

That's why I groaned.  It hurt.  It wasn't that I liked it, it was because it hurt.

It hurt.  It hurt a lot.  But I couldn't stop you.  I still can't figure out why.  Sure I was weak, but I still could have tried.  But I didn't even try.

You pressed my head down as you kissed me and gripped my hair, bobbing up and down gently and bringing me with you, attempting to establish a rhythm.

I just realized.

I'm kissing you back.

…Well.

And your tongue is in my mouth, one hand massaging my scalp while the other trails down and massages my abdomen and…I think briefly about biting you, but I don't…

Dende.

I realize I had an erection.

And I'm horrified beyond belief, my mind water-logged in the gooey grayness of severe disgust while you fondle me through my gi and smirk against the mouth.

A muffled shriek goes up my throat and I arch.

I feel desperately sick.

Nobody, not even you or me or my body even cares.

You lay down on me, releasing my mouth so I can finally breathe, while you lick my neck once before pressing against me and sucking on my tongue.

I have to moan again and I hate myself for it.  How did I let this happen?  This was _not_ what was supposed to happen to day, or ever even.

Damn.

You're hard too.

I _really_ don't want to be here.  

My arms are around you, tracing the muscles on your back.

You're fondling me through my pants again, which is good because it means I can't feel your dick anymore, and bad because it makes me harder.  Because it makes me scream.

I wish you'd stop that.  I hate the way I'm reacting.  I hate the sounds that come from my mouth, _I_ didn't know I could sound like this, I didn't know you could make me _feel_ like this, so I'm just a little, just a little…fascinated.  And sick.  Sick beyond belief.

And yet I keep arching into your touch.  Into your hand.  Into your warmth and strength that squeezed and pulls and hurts, you're still hurting me, even now, even though I'm going along and trying really, _really_ hard not to scream even some of it still comes through sometimes and I'm still moaning and I hate how pathetic it sounds Vegeta, this is low, even for you and if you _dare_ stop I'll kick your ass until your back snaps forward.  And…_harder_, Vegeta, I need…

And…I can't really remember…the rest.

I screamed.  I remember that.  I remember pulling and pushing you closer to where I wanted, where it burned, pulling your…hair down, because your hands weren't there anymore, they were on my hips, trying to hold me down and control me.  Your mouth was hot and over me instead.  And some time you got my pants off.  Don't remember that.

I screamed like anything.  With my voice, with my powered, with all my mind and I think Gohan heard me.  I think I felt an echo.  And then I was sort of drifting, a bit like when I died the first time, when it really hurt.  I felt slow, yet comfortable, and dumb.  And warm.  It was so warm.

The first thing I registered was something pushing.  It took me another moment to realize it was inside.  Then it was out, then it was in..  

You're a real jerk, you know.  You couldn't even wait until I was awake.  I don't think you cared very much _what_ I thought though.

I had your blood on my hands.  From the fight and from when you spit in my face and when I clawed your back when I came.

You went quietly.  How quickly you changed from raging and sharp to slow and hard is beyond me.  But I do remember looking up at you, while you slowly thrust and held me in your arms.  You were almost tender.  Almost gentle.  You were definitely slow.

You wanted me to think about it, didn't you.  The way I kissed you the first time, humiliated you, and you were trying to do the same to me?  Trying to make me think?

But I'm the baka, remember Vegeta?  I was dropped on my head and never really got over.  I don't _have_ to think.  I can shut down my head and think with my body.  And all it's thinking about is you.

So I let go.

And surprised you when I reached up to kiss you again.  Gently, lovingly even.  I expected you to get mad. I really did.  I figured you would because you knew I wasn't going to.  I thought you were going to.

I never thought you'd kiss me back.

I never even imagined it.

And, Vegeta, I know a lot of the time you don't like me, and you've _never_ trusted me or anyone else…but, please, believe me now.  Really.  I didn't know.  I really didn't know.  

I thought maybe you were competing again, I thought maybe it was one of those games we play.  I didn't know Vegeta.  I'm-I'm sorry.  I didn't know.

That's why I pulled back.  That's why I said what I did.  Why I looked that.

I wish…I wish you had never looked at me like that.  With that feeling in your eyes.  It hurt so much.  I'm so sorry.

Irony sucks.

The one time I don't want to get you angry is when you do.

I seriously thought twice my skull had cracked.  You did that the first time we met, in the desert.  You cracked my skull in a couple of places and I thought you had done it again.  You flared your ki and it felt like I was on fire and my back was being torn in two.  I wasn't sure what to do.

I didn't want to apologize, and I couldn't stop you, I never wanted to hurt you again, not after you looked at me that way.  So I just wrapped my legs around you and tried to hold  on.

You came violently.  It hurt.  Both of us, I think.  You wouldn't let go of me.  It hurt my bruised skin and ribs, you holding on so tight.  But I didn't let go of you either.  I could hear you sobbing against my shoulder.  But maybe you were just really tired.  I could barely breathe.

I pretended I didn't hear.  I just held you, rubbed your back and talked gently about anything.  Eventually the heaving of your back slowed and stopped.  And then you just lay limp and heavy on top of me, your face turned where I couldn't see it.  You weren't even gripping me anymore. 

I ran my fingers through your hair, brushed your skin with my forehead and sometimes my lips too.  If you noticed you didn't show it.

I rolled both of us onto our sides where I could hold you better without worrying that you'd leave.  I didn't want you to leave the way the way you were.  And-I kind of didn't want you to leave me the way _I_ was either.  I wrapped my arms around you better, covered your thigh with my leg and nuzzled my face in your hair.

You never looked at me the whole time.

It's hard to tell what you're thinking, Vegeta, when I can't see you eyes.  Your mask is too firmly frozen in place, I need your eyes to tell me what you can't.

Vegeta.

I'm sorry.  I really am.  Don't do this.  Please?  You can hit me again if you want, but don't do this.

I kissed your face again, licked your cheeks and eyes and tasted salt.

Maybe you expected me to leave.  Maybe you expected me to talk, to explain myself, to laugh.  I didn't though.  I just held you, kissed you, and ran my fingers through your hair.  

I'm not sure who I was trying to comfort.  But I didn't stop.  

I licked your mouth, teased a little, kissed your lips, even purred a little in my throat, trying to get you to play back.  You wanted my body once.  I was offering it to you again.  If you wanted it.  Anything was better than this.  Come on Vegeta.  Kiss me back.  I know you want to.  You aren't stopping me, so you can kiss me back too.  Just once, just a little, just a-

And then you did kiss me back.  Just a bit.

I slid my tongue thoughtfully into your mouth, taking care this time to remember how everything felt, how it tasted.  It isn't the skin so much that has a taste as it has a feel.  And I felt all around.  I rubbed your tongue, smacked our lips apart to find a different position, and continued to purr.

Your fingers shyly caressed my cheek, toyed with the hair at the nape of my neck before gripping it firmly and pulling me closer a bit.  

We did that for  a while, my hands cautiously roaming your body, tasting you everywhere I could without moving too much.  My body still hurts.  But you were tired too.  You did like it when I sucked on your neck, I'll remember that for later.

So what happens next?

I'm lying bare-naked next to the man who swore he would kill me, while you sleep in my arms, my fingers tangled in your hair and against your skin.

What next?

What were you hoping for Vegeta, when you started this mess?  You ticked me off and made me lose my control, but I don't think you planned to sleep with me, although you were willing.  Enthusiastic even.  But,..Not…yet, anyway.  So…will this happen again?  These little kisses and sex-sessions in the middle of no-where?  Will you hate me?  Try to kill me again?  What are you going to tell Bulma, when she flirts her eyes at you and tries to kiss you?  More importantly, what am _I_ going to tell Chi Chi?  And Gohan?  He heard.

But that isn't even worries me most.

How hard have I fallen.  

Because I know I have.

From the way I kissed you and hold you now…I know I have.

Let's get it on

I can feel it growing

Tryin' to hold on to this feeling

For so long

And if you feel

Like I feel,

Let's get it on


End file.
